January 11, 2010

An Unfair Depiction

But I'm not tied down to my breast pump.

Y'know, when the Mormons were first asked to practice polygamy most of them went kicking and screaming into the practice. Then when they were commanded to stop, they had a hard time letting go. That was my experience with breastfeeding.

The gap in posts had to do with me being on my most demanding rotation while soaking in the reality of my academic situation. . . all the while working to save someone's life (I'll explain later, on 1/20/10). I had always said that I would stop pumping at the 6 month mark, but just before the finish line my supply went down. . . WAY down. It had to do with a ton of stress and my inability to find time during the day. I became all hung up on the idea of stopping on my terms, not because I was 'failing' to produce.

So I got all worked up, pumped more, fell behind in my work, this added stress, which produced less milk and the cycle continued! Until now, that is. Last week I produced 2.5 ounces, gave my boy this meager portion, and put my supplies away. The large box of nursing pads, bras, tubes, valves, shields, etc got sealed up and put into storage. Part of me was elated; the other part felt terrible for withdrawing this part of myself from my baby. The next week as my normal pumping hour approached I had pangs of regret and actually tried to collect whatever I could manually squeeze out. I came home quite upset when my husband finally said, "It's time."

He's right. 6 months of breastfeeding for a resident mommy is a lot. My baby is on solids now and I can help him to progress in other ways. I'm told I can still feed part-time, but the truth is I need every minute of the day (except for necessary sanity breaks such as this) to reclaim my life.


Michele said...

Yayayayayaaaa, you're back!!!
I was wondering when a new post would pop up.

Wow... no more pumping at work. I understand those pangs of guilt you feel, but man it must feel good to be "free".

Hope you are doing well... looking forward to hearing more!!

Natalie said...

I think you should be proud that you made it as long as you did. By the way, do you have any tips about your favorite nursing bras?

The Marketing Mama said...

I'm glad you posted again, too! A big congrats on breastfeeding and pumping for 6 months under such difficult circumstances. You gave your little one such an amazing gift that he'll benefit from the rest of his life. Focus on the positives and don't for one minute feel guilty. You are a great mom and a great doctor! :)

Bailey Anne said...

Stopping breastfeeding was like the happiest day of my life, as well as incredibly sad. I was so glad to have my life and body back, and so upset that I wasn't doing enough for Seth. That stuff really messes with your head!!!!!!!!